For Aleph

11:59 PM

Friedrich Nietzche once wrote: "But the worst enemy you can meet will always be yourself."


Life is a constant struggle but the hardest battles our those that happen within.  We wake up with the sun's warm touch yet and day after day, we struggle to survive, trying to conquer all our personal demons --- our fears, weaknesses, and limitations.  We wage a fight against ourselves, or against that voice within our souls that says that we can't make it.  It is that voice that says our fears our bigger than our dreams.  It is that voice that says we are not worthy to enjoy the beauty of this hard life and all the magnificent surprises it can offer.  It is that voice that clips our wings from soaring way up high.  It is the voice that keeps us from becoming the better than we ought to become.

We wage a battle against that voice.  But that voice is us.  It is a part of us.  It is the little bad behind all our good.  Being a part of us, that voice knows us to well; hence, he knows how to play the game.  That cunning, selfish, manipulative voice will always try to take over us and make us believe that this is all that we can be, and that to live is to suffer.

I have my share of inner struggles.  There are moments when I feel confused of whether I need to change some parts of me or just enjoy being me.  There are moments when I try to find that confidence when I don't feel at my best.  There are moments when I need to believe in myself because nobody does.  There are times when I don't know what exactly to do and I ask myself whether my dreams are worth it.

I wake up and I feel so insecure about so many things --- physical appearance, intelligence, talent.  Include lovelife to that, too. There are moments when I feel I fell short; I feel I was not enough.  I wake up and I question whether I need to make my own highway, with all the uncertainties, or let God lead me to where I ought to be (and that His will is also my will).

I wake up and I have to pick up the pieces of my broken self and all of my shattered dreams, piece it and move on even though I break again and do the same thing everyday.

I constantly fight against that part of me that questions the existence of happy endings and the truthfulness of the universe conspiring just to make your dreams come true.  I constantly challenge that part of me that makes me feel regretful and unworthy, who gives me doubts, and who says that I've reached a dead end.

It is a struggle yet I choose to survive.  Luckily, with every fight, I emerge victorious.  I'm not a perfect soul.  I have been shattered a million times and all that I am now is a broken piece of dreams and hopes pieced and glued together to give an illusion of wholeness.  Cracked I may be, but the thing is I am whole.  I chose to shake the demons off me.

We all have issues that is why I understand your struggle.  I was never in your shoes. I will never be in your shoes.  But I know how it feels to battle it against yourself. 

When I heard you were going, I wanted to cry.  It felt like all the high hopes I've invested and all the motivation and guidance that I intended to invest all went down the drain.  It felt like crushed optimism. At one point, I would have wanted to scream at you and tell you to wake up! I want to scream and tell you that its not the time to doubt about jumping; it was time to take the plunge and reach the shore and take the baby steps.  I want to tell you that you can't let that happiness in your eyes die down.  I saw it and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen lately --- the twinkle of happiness that only glistens on the eyes of a person who've never seen the sun shine in their lives for quite so long.  I would want to tell you that you should never deny yourself from that happiness.

But it wasn't about me.

It was about you.

You are a thousand piece of shards taped together yet continues to break.  You are fragile piece of art.  And even though I've never been in your shoes, I understand the struggle.

You said once that you want to struggle every day.  You don't want the pain to go away in an instant.

I asked you, don't you get tired.

Today, I understood it full well.  The world would always continue to move forward without us.  But the most important world is our own world.  If the warmth of the sun's rays is cold enough for our own world, we live in a void that continues to consume our own universe until all that is left is us and the void...and that voice.  And there is no better way to defeat the enemy than to listen to the enemy; there is no better way to defeat our self but to listen and understand our self. 

I was willing to aid you as you take your baby steps with us but I can't force you to do so.  I can't ask you why face the battle alone because for most of my life, I fought my battles alone, away from the eyes of the world.  I conquered all the battles all by myself.

When you left, I was left admiring you even more.  You may not see it now but you are stronger than your limitations.  You are stronger than your fears.  You are stronger than your weakness.  To admit your flaws and incapacity and deciding to surrender it all, even that one thing that brought you that happiness back, is an act of strength.  You chose to retreat from the battle because there is a far more important battle than what is in the real world.  It is the battle between you and you. 

The first time I saw your works made me feel so insecure. I mean it in a good way.  It was the first time in the longest time that someone my junior would made me feel so insecure about the way I weave words.  It fuelled my desire to improve so much.

You are a precious talent.  You are a cut above the rest.  So don't let that voice in your head pin you down.  While you are among the league of the best, don't let that thought drown you.  You need to pick every shard of yourself, one piece per day until you become whole again...until the sun shines down your world again.

I might say the wrong things here.  After all, I don't exactly know your struggle.  But one thing is certain, I'm waiting for you --- the best you.  I look forward to that day when our roads cross and when I look in your eyes, that spark of happiness I saw is there.  I look forward to that day that your smiles are not those that are tainted with sadness and melancholy but smiles that beam the rays of sunlight.

I look forward to that day when you are at your best doing what you do best.

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DEEJAY WRITES is a proudly Boholano lifestyle and travel blog by LifestyleBohol in-house writer Deejay Arro. Launched in June 2014, DEEJAY WRITES ranks among the Top 200 Entertainment and Lifestyle blogs in the country and has been consistently receiving positive feedback from readers..